What A Night!

I don't know how I feel at the moment, but last night at Youth was so amazing.

Firstly, Josh was there. He was looking cuter? Beautifull-er? Hotter? I don't know what the word was, but more of something than usual. He was on overheads and made us laugh and stuff. It was so nice just to see him and I thought I was being driven crazy, not sure how long I'd be able to handle my secret of liking him.

Elise didn't come. I had had a fight with her earlier and I felt really crushed, just seeing her replace me. She'd asked me to do something for the talent quest and I said no, but said I could do something else and offerered the alternative of making a music video where she could still sing, rather than doing a duet because I can't carry a tune. Then she went and got someone else to do the duet and I knew, that as usual I was invisible. I knew that she hadn't heard a word I'd said and that frankly, she didn't care. She said that we could talk about it later and then went straight ahead and gave the duet to Leah.

But, back to Youth. Andrew gave me a new song to type up. There were two sheets of paper with the words on them, but he'd put them on top of each other exactly, so that you couldn't see the second sheet. I did the first sheet and couldn't see the second. Then, Josh was on overheads. So, he got the song ready, while I did sound and forced me to do that song, just cause he didn't know it. So I did, and Andrew was singing the bit on the second page and everyone was turning back and there was all this drama.

Later, after the service, Andrew pulled me and Josh aside. He wants us to be trainee youth leaders. Me and Josh. No other new ones, just me and Josh. I thought we were in trouble or something about the song, but no, he wants me to be a trainee leader.

The only thing on that sheet that I don't have, the only thing that is possibly a setback is the fact that I haven't been baptised in water. So I just have to do that sometime soon, schedule it or watever in the next 8 weeks and I can be a trainee leader. How amazing is that?

And now I feel that I can do anything. That I am important. And for some reason, even though I'm still madly in love with Josh, I don't have to think about it anymore. I can live with the secret. It's not a big deal any more.

Well I'm signing off. :) comments'd be great!

Gutted

I feel like I've been gutted.

My best friend, Elise, comes to my Youth group, as of the last few weeks. She's been enjoying it soooo much and her parents finally say yes and now she is saying she doesn't want to come anymore and that she wants to go to an anglican one instead.

I've seen her laugh, cry, kneel and be completely changed by the Lord's presence. Now she is completely hostile to the very idea. I don't know what to do or what to say and I really need help.

She's my best friend. And now she's trying to putexcuses in place of sense, something we both know she's not using.

I want nothing more than for her to stay at our youth group.

And this isn't the first time. Last year she came once and used the excuse 'my mum doesn't like that area'. Well I think it's time she learnt where her heart was.

My stomach feels so bad, like it's been twisted and ripped out.

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

I admit it! Ì lðvê Jð§h!

I. Love. Josh.

Of course, no one in my Youth Group, however, can know that, so shut up, you!

On Friday night, Elise FINALLY (been praying for a year) came to Youth again and got saved! She's a child of God!

She thought Josh was a good choice.

doh!

This morning at church, Josh high-fived me 3 times! Each time my hand relaxed, tingled and felt warm against his soft touch. Even when he was trying to hurt me, it felt so nice.

So why do I feel guilty everytime I lay my eyes on him, dreaming about what could be?

HELP!

Now I finally know it's true
I've fallen in love with you
And even though you love her
And I pretend I don't care
Inside I'm bleeding for you

^^ a verse in my latest song...


Josh is so beautiful and amazing. He glides and smiles, rarely, and usually a smirk, granted, but it's just great. Wow, I've fallen for the Beauty with the inner Beast..............................


What am I gonna do? I can't stop myself, but I can't touch him, can I? We're on opposite ends of the food chain... it doesn't work...

And I get a sneaking suspicion my parents want me to like him, after all, we're at his house almost every 3rd weekend, we've been on 2 holiday's with his family and my parents ask things like "Was Nathan at youth last night? What about JOSH' etc. etc. etc.

What's a girl meant to do when the only thing she can think about is him but the only thing he can think about is another her?

Love Confirmed

Last night was so amazing. We had Youth, as we always do on Friday nights and Andrew spoke about anger, how it can be a good thing, but shouldn't be used to sin or to fuel revenge. It was an amazing teaching, something I didn't need last night, at the moment I'm handling anger quite well, actually, but probably will need some time in the future.

Anyway, Josh went up to the altar. Josh, the angel, the perfect guy, the one I've fallen in love with. Almost all the guys went up, but so did Josh. Everyone who didn't go up (like me) laid hands on them and prayed... I prayed over all of them, but mainly Josh. I felt tingly again and it was really nice. He was crying and everything and it was all I could do to stop myself from going up there, hugging him and telling him it was alright. I can't believe it's that strong.......

Love is new to me. Never felt it before, only lied to myself about it- Josh has always been like an enemy and then I fell in love with him... but for about half a year I lied to myself that I loved another guy at Youth, but in reality I was just hiding from the truth......

I have no idea what to do. I'm always the smart one, getting dux, yada yada. But now, I'm clueless.

Help! I Think I've Fallen In Love!

It's strange the way I feel
Not sure how far I wanna go
Everythings changing
Feeling so different from before

I remember the first time we met
Don't think I'll ever forget
How I first felt when I looked at you
So innocent, young and free
But I don't think I realised what I knew

Chorus

Cause boy, I think I've fallen for you
And I'm not sure what to do
Cause I feel so alone, it's so forbidden
Do I say it's alright or do I tell what I'm feeling

I remember the way you say my name
And how I long for more
It was only yesterday
When I realised what I've got
Oh

Bridge

I know, that I've always been distant
I'm an introvert, what did you expect
But now, do I spread these wings
And fly or do I curl up to cry

Chorus

Bridge

So what am I meant to do
In this head,
All I think about is you


Okay, fine, I'll admit it. I think I've fallen in love with a guy at my Youth group. This has never happened before... not to this extreme. I pushed him last night, just to tease him and... I could feel a slight tingling feeling going up my fingers and I felt all weird and fuzzy.... but there's one problem.

It's my best friend's crush. And he likes her back.

What's a girl meant to do, when the only thing she can think about is him, yet all he can think about is another her?

(Also, I wrote the song up there, you can use it in a songfic if you wish, but please, please, please, credit it to Shona, xelusive memoriesx on HPFF and SAYS)

I wanna spread my wings

I'm annoyed. I warn you now that this post is a rant.

Why does everyone always make my decisions for me? I want to do so many things... I want to preach, I want to write, I want to be free and do all things I've always felt a special connection with. I want to help out with the creche at my church, I want to be given a chance to do something!

But no one ever gives me that chance. The only things I'm doing at the moment to help out Youth is overheads and sound... sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only one, besides Andrew who's the one singing, who actually knows how to use the desk at Youth. I'm running the entire sound desk, which means that I've got no chance to spread my wings.

People confine me to the back, a behind the scenes worker. But I'm not that kinda girl. I can do things and God spoke to me last night telling me I'm going to do something BIG this year for Him. But will anyone give me the chance I need?

I'm not a forceful person. I can tell you now, that although I'm a good speaker, I hate asking for things. Whether it's to help out, or if they've got something, I hate it. I even find it hard to ask people how their week went!

All I want is a chance to shine for God, to let his light shine through me and attract the world.