What A Night!

I don't know how I feel at the moment, but last night at Youth was so amazing.

Firstly, Josh was there. He was looking cuter? Beautifull-er? Hotter? I don't know what the word was, but more of something than usual. He was on overheads and made us laugh and stuff. It was so nice just to see him and I thought I was being driven crazy, not sure how long I'd be able to handle my secret of liking him.

Elise didn't come. I had had a fight with her earlier and I felt really crushed, just seeing her replace me. She'd asked me to do something for the talent quest and I said no, but said I could do something else and offerered the alternative of making a music video where she could still sing, rather than doing a duet because I can't carry a tune. Then she went and got someone else to do the duet and I knew, that as usual I was invisible. I knew that she hadn't heard a word I'd said and that frankly, she didn't care. She said that we could talk about it later and then went straight ahead and gave the duet to Leah.

But, back to Youth. Andrew gave me a new song to type up. There were two sheets of paper with the words on them, but he'd put them on top of each other exactly, so that you couldn't see the second sheet. I did the first sheet and couldn't see the second. Then, Josh was on overheads. So, he got the song ready, while I did sound and forced me to do that song, just cause he didn't know it. So I did, and Andrew was singing the bit on the second page and everyone was turning back and there was all this drama.

Later, after the service, Andrew pulled me and Josh aside. He wants us to be trainee youth leaders. Me and Josh. No other new ones, just me and Josh. I thought we were in trouble or something about the song, but no, he wants me to be a trainee leader.

The only thing on that sheet that I don't have, the only thing that is possibly a setback is the fact that I haven't been baptised in water. So I just have to do that sometime soon, schedule it or watever in the next 8 weeks and I can be a trainee leader. How amazing is that?

And now I feel that I can do anything. That I am important. And for some reason, even though I'm still madly in love with Josh, I don't have to think about it anymore. I can live with the secret. It's not a big deal any more.

Well I'm signing off. :) comments'd be great!

Gutted

I feel like I've been gutted.

My best friend, Elise, comes to my Youth group, as of the last few weeks. She's been enjoying it soooo much and her parents finally say yes and now she is saying she doesn't want to come anymore and that she wants to go to an anglican one instead.

I've seen her laugh, cry, kneel and be completely changed by the Lord's presence. Now she is completely hostile to the very idea. I don't know what to do or what to say and I really need help.

She's my best friend. And now she's trying to putexcuses in place of sense, something we both know she's not using.

I want nothing more than for her to stay at our youth group.

And this isn't the first time. Last year she came once and used the excuse 'my mum doesn't like that area'. Well I think it's time she learnt where her heart was.

My stomach feels so bad, like it's been twisted and ripped out.

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

Ì lðvê Jð§h

I admit it! Ì lðvê Jð§h!

I. Love. Josh.

Of course, no one in my Youth Group, however, can know that, so shut up, you!

On Friday night, Elise FINALLY (been praying for a year) came to Youth again and got saved! She's a child of God!

She thought Josh was a good choice.

doh!

This morning at church, Josh high-fived me 3 times! Each time my hand relaxed, tingled and felt warm against his soft touch. Even when he was trying to hurt me, it felt so nice.

So why do I feel guilty everytime I lay my eyes on him, dreaming about what could be?

HELP!

Now I finally know it's true
I've fallen in love with you
And even though you love her
And I pretend I don't care
Inside I'm bleeding for you

^^ a verse in my latest song...


Josh is so beautiful and amazing. He glides and smiles, rarely, and usually a smirk, granted, but it's just great. Wow, I've fallen for the Beauty with the inner Beast..............................


What am I gonna do? I can't stop myself, but I can't touch him, can I? We're on opposite ends of the food chain... it doesn't work...

And I get a sneaking suspicion my parents want me to like him, after all, we're at his house almost every 3rd weekend, we've been on 2 holiday's with his family and my parents ask things like "Was Nathan at youth last night? What about JOSH' etc. etc. etc.

What's a girl meant to do when the only thing she can think about is him but the only thing he can think about is another her?

Love Confirmed

Last night was so amazing. We had Youth, as we always do on Friday nights and Andrew spoke about anger, how it can be a good thing, but shouldn't be used to sin or to fuel revenge. It was an amazing teaching, something I didn't need last night, at the moment I'm handling anger quite well, actually, but probably will need some time in the future.

Anyway, Josh went up to the altar. Josh, the angel, the perfect guy, the one I've fallen in love with. Almost all the guys went up, but so did Josh. Everyone who didn't go up (like me) laid hands on them and prayed... I prayed over all of them, but mainly Josh. I felt tingly again and it was really nice. He was crying and everything and it was all I could do to stop myself from going up there, hugging him and telling him it was alright. I can't believe it's that strong.......

Love is new to me. Never felt it before, only lied to myself about it- Josh has always been like an enemy and then I fell in love with him... but for about half a year I lied to myself that I loved another guy at Youth, but in reality I was just hiding from the truth......

I have no idea what to do. I'm always the smart one, getting dux, yada yada. But now, I'm clueless.

Help! I Think I've Fallen In Love!

It's strange the way I feel
Not sure how far I wanna go
Everythings changing
Feeling so different from before

I remember the first time we met
Don't think I'll ever forget
How I first felt when I looked at you
So innocent, young and free
But I don't think I realised what I knew

Chorus

Cause boy, I think I've fallen for you
And I'm not sure what to do
Cause I feel so alone, it's so forbidden
Do I say it's alright or do I tell what I'm feeling

I remember the way you say my name
And how I long for more
It was only yesterday
When I realised what I've got
Oh

Bridge

I know, that I've always been distant
I'm an introvert, what did you expect
But now, do I spread these wings
And fly or do I curl up to cry

Chorus

Bridge

So what am I meant to do
In this head,
All I think about is you


Okay, fine, I'll admit it. I think I've fallen in love with a guy at my Youth group. This has never happened before... not to this extreme. I pushed him last night, just to tease him and... I could feel a slight tingling feeling going up my fingers and I felt all weird and fuzzy.... but there's one problem.

It's my best friend's crush. And he likes her back.

What's a girl meant to do, when the only thing she can think about is him, yet all he can think about is another her?

(Also, I wrote the song up there, you can use it in a songfic if you wish, but please, please, please, credit it to Shona, xelusive memoriesx on HPFF and SAYS)

I wanna spread my wings

I'm annoyed. I warn you now that this post is a rant.

Why does everyone always make my decisions for me? I want to do so many things... I want to preach, I want to write, I want to be free and do all things I've always felt a special connection with. I want to help out with the creche at my church, I want to be given a chance to do something!

But no one ever gives me that chance. The only things I'm doing at the moment to help out Youth is overheads and sound... sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only one, besides Andrew who's the one singing, who actually knows how to use the desk at Youth. I'm running the entire sound desk, which means that I've got no chance to spread my wings.

People confine me to the back, a behind the scenes worker. But I'm not that kinda girl. I can do things and God spoke to me last night telling me I'm going to do something BIG this year for Him. But will anyone give me the chance I need?

I'm not a forceful person. I can tell you now, that although I'm a good speaker, I hate asking for things. Whether it's to help out, or if they've got something, I hate it. I even find it hard to ask people how their week went!

All I want is a chance to shine for God, to let his light shine through me and attract the world.

Holidays

Hey everyone!

Yep, that's right. I'm on holidays at a really nice place called Ettalong Beach. It's a family tradition that we go up with our grandparents each January. It's a nice, tranquil feeling. Sorry, it means that we have no internet- I'm at a local internet cafe and only have 10 minutes left!

My birthday is on Saturday. We are going to a science museum because my mum's parents want to spend time with me and they are kind of fussy. Then, next Tuesday (it's MoIh anday today) I'm going to a waterpark called Jamberoo with other family members. It's going to be fun.

Sorry, its a really short post, but I only have 6 minutes left!

Shona

Jessica

Last time I posted, I told everyone about a girl who means a lot to me, although I don't think she'll ever realise it- Stephanie. Now, I think I am going to post about another friend who means the world to me, although I think she thinks that I don't like her much, and prefer her sister. But, I don't play favourites.

Jessica has changed my life. I've always had a problem with being shy, especially in church. I've never really wanted to go to the altar, even though I know how amazing and special it does feel when you go up there, and I love being prayed for.

On the 26th of August, 2006, we went to a big, amazing, crazy event called 'Big Exo Day'. There were loads of sports, bmx rides, extreme stuff, along with heaps of rides and it was great. But it was a Christian event, and none of this is why I really admire Jess.

That night, Darrell Scott preached. He told us about his daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, who was killed in the American Columbine School Shooting 1999- the largest school shooting ever to take place in America. It was an amazing preaching- and buy the book "Rachel's Tears" if you can, by Beth Nimmo and Darrell Scott to read about it.

I think I should pause here and give you some background information. Jessica is older than me, but only by a day less than a year. She is the church pastor's daughter and is really nice. Before this day, I regret to admit, that I never really paid attention to her. Sometimes I still think I neglect her. She has been to so many altar calls, and therefore what happened next was totally selfless for her. I think this was the second or third time she prompted me to do this, but this is the first time I accepted.

There was an altar call, and seeing as there were about 10000 people there, the Youth pastor had to go down with you, pray over you and hand you a little mini bible (just the chapter of John) and discuss what was going on. Firstly, Tabitha went with Rebekah (I'll tell you about Tab later, Rebekah is the Youth pastor with Andrew) and I, as usual, was too shy to participate, although I really wanted to.

Then, Jessica tapped me and said "You can go if you want to." I looked at her, and I think she saw the fear in my eyes. I answered her with a request, which she accepted and it means more to me than anything else she, or pretty much anyone else, has ever done for me.

"Will you come with me?". Then, on that day, Jesus Christ and I were reunited, my friendship with Jessica became a million times stronger and I overcame my fear of standing out.

So, thank you Jessica.

Today, I leave you with a challenge. Are you going to let your better judgement fail, like I did so many times? I challenge you to do what you want to do, forgetting about what others might think. We only have so many years on this planet, use them!

Stephanie

Stephanie is a girl who goes to my youth group. Stephanie, if you are reading this hi!! Yeah, I'm going by my middle name, so that's why you probably think I'm weird...

Anyway, Stephanie inspired me so much. She goes to my youth group, as I said before, and she goes to a public school, has friends that are always wearing skimpy clothes and short dresses- and rolling them up! Her parents aren't Christians and she has any normal problems that you can think of.

But she sticks with God, no matter what. With our connect group, we all talk about whats up etc., and help each other out. When I'm embarressed to say something, just cause I thought only I'd have the problem, its like she reads my mind and asks and shares it, and the same things are happening in her life.

I really, really am blessed to have such an inspiring, happy and friendly girl in my youth group. She is kind and considerate, pretty and a good dancer, and most of all she sticks with what she believes in. She loves God, and tries to stay pure and Holy in His sight.

Stephanie, if you are reading this, hi. You changed my views on my life and helped me think about my problems. Thank you so much! :) You rock!

Happy New Year!

Happy new year everyone!

This year I have plenty of hopes- to enjoy highschool, to trust God with everything, to be able to keep up with my assignments, to read a LOT, to get back into acting, to keep writing and finish a novel and keep up with my friends. But the most important of these is trusting God for me.

God is amazing, and has saved my life. I don't know what I'd do without Him. Some people may not believe in Him, but I think if they joined a pentecostal church like mine just one time, to go to a Youth group or otherwise, and felt the presence of God like I have the chance to do each and every day of my life, they would feel uplifted and do a lot for God, giving their lives for Him.

Okay, so I'll just go over the majors of what has happened this year.

1. I entered school again, excited
2. I joined my church Youth group
3. I experienced the presence of God to the extreme
4. I went to Ignite Youth Strength Camp- my life changed
5. I got a little crush on a guy called Noel. Okay, a HUGE crush!
6. I started this blog, and writing a diary
7. I got dux at school- amazing!
8. I had a lot of fights with my friends- more info on that later
9. I was inspired to write a lot more- registered at HPFF, joined SAYS and started to make my own writing forums.
10. I realised that I'm not afraid of heights- but of falling.
11. I fell more in depthly in love with Noel
12. I learned about Rachel Joy Scott, was inspired to follow God again- I had fallen out a bit- and still remember her memory with awe.
13. I met Tabitha and Stephanie- two amazing girls who have changed my views on life. Tabitha encouraged me to take a risk every once in a while and Stephanie let me realise that I'm never alone and that others have the same problems that I do.

Wow, my life has been so blessed this year. All because of God. Now, I probably couldn't put these things in chronological order if I wanted to, but all these things are major. Have a happy new year, all of you and I'll elaborate on some of these things another time :)

Shona